forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
