I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
