There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
