K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm both gender and math confused
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