i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
