We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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