i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Randomize
