i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
