if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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