I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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