your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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