she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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