It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
no, he came in my armpit
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
