i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
