Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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