dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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