I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
