You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
