i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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