Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
