My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
