tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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