We won't sleep together?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
