I wanna bring you to show and tell
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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