i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
