I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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