I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
