He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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