I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
