you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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