Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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