Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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