You're completely useless in the revolution.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
