I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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