tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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