Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
