I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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