I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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