I'm pants shitting drunk right now
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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