Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
