The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
