So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
