yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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