I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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