Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
