Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
