Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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