Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
