how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
