I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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