The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
