sarcasm needs its own font
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
