Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
