i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
